Monday, June 8, 2009

Maybe I should start to forget you for good.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

I miss you.  Last night I found myself staring at you subtly, looking for the traces of tears that fell down from those eyes for me.  It seems like a long time ago.  But you obviously have moved on.  Had you come nearer alone, you would've heard this heart beat your heart too.

Now I wonder what you think of me.  Am I still the "you're really an ok person" you want to be in a relationship with?  Or have I become just like the others whom you have easily forgotten?  I feel so stupid for being so transparent.  I could have just walk away.  But I insisted to stay.  You said last night that people cannot not have cracks.  You said that it is scary to be around people who haven't explored their dark side.  I knew you were referring to me.  I am not a fool not to realize that.  Is that who I am to you?  Or is that the person you made me in your mind so you can easily forget me?  You say that you forgot almost everything from last year, when I know cause you told me that you liked me because we were almost always together last year.  That statement meant that you forgot all about me.  You say you forget the sad and painful things.  Am I just all pain and sadness to you?  Why do I still think that something beautiful happened? 

Please write something about me in your blog again.  I'd like to know what you think.  You saw something in me before.  Do you still see it in me now?  Or have you been disillusioned?

If only.  But we both know it cannot happen in this lifetime.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Now, I'm really confused..and extremely sad.
I am hurting.  This isn't what I wanted.  It's funny how I use your exact words.

I look at my fone often, and I wish that I could get a phone call or a text from you.

As they all do.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The garbage or your heart?

That's where people go in your life.  And now I feel I am gonna be with all the dirt, and forgotten memories, and hated people.  I thought I did what was right.  Didn't you say you thought so too?  Then why do I feel abandoned?  Why do I feel I'm losing not only you but a lot more friends.

I miss you, terribly.  It must have not been apparent, but I fought for you.  I did.  
Ok.  I'm gonna admit it again.  I am jealous.  Everytime I'm with her and you give her a call to invite her to eat 'as usual', and I see how her face lights up and drop everything else to go, I feel something weird which I cannot exactly explain, but it is far from being pleasant.  It feels bad.  

I hope you still think of me sometimes.  I do not want you to forget me.  I am hurt when you say that sooner or later, you will.  I know that's what you need.  That's what you always do.  But please spare me.

Monday, February 23, 2009

I have a confession to make.  I read your blog.  I always do.  That's why I know you call me gravitas.  

I know that I should stay away, but why do I allow myself to look at you closer and slowly fall for your beautiful soul?  I could not fall in love with you.  I should not fall in love with you.  I told myself that I should not go there, but here I am looking at, if not for, you from where I am.

Few more weeks, and you say it should be over.  

Yes, it should be over.

Dear You,

I know this is uncalled for, when I feel that you are trying to move on, and in the process trying not to hear from or be with me except when it is really necessary.  I would just like to tell you that after all that we’ve been through, I’ve come to realize a lot of things – important, relevant ones.  And all I can really say is thank you. 

Thank you for making me feel how it is to be genuinely cared for.  Your little acts of service, your thoughtful visits, your time spent with me especially during my really sad moments will always remain somewhere in a special little place in my heart. Thank you for impressing in me the importance of being honest and truthful.  Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable by allowing me to be in your life when I know it was so logical to leave me out for your own protection, only to give this friendship a shot.  Thank you for letting me a little into your world.  Now I see you differently, in a much colorful light. 

I am happy that you are moving on.   You have a beautiful soul and I meant it when I said I hope you find somebody worthy.  You deserve someone who would be able to love you back as much as you would her. 

Please don’t forget me, or remember me in a way that would spark pain or regret because I still believe that this was something beautiful, no matter how painful it got at some point.  



I meant it when I said I was joking about me fearing that you'd take her away from me. 

But I'm seriously threatened that you'd be taken away from me, by her.

That's the truth, and I did not lie.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Now that I realize how serious this really is, I will let go.  I fought for friendship, but now it seems that my concern, though valid, is way petty as compared to hers.  When I learned that she has been staying home for several days, I was concerned and guilty.  She said she was to blame for how bad things turned out, but I feel that I am partly to blame too.  I should've been less emotional.  I should've just let her go.

I am letting go, subtly.  It will still be as painful, but I take solace in the thought that by doing so, she'll be better in time.

She said we're gonna talk things over.  It's a good thing if it pushes through.  I need to understand some things.

Monday, January 12, 2009

If this were another time
If heart was all that matters
If things weren't this complicated

Then I will allow myself to fall in love
Without any hesitations
I'd fall in love with you

Sunday, January 11, 2009

I still wonder why she likes me.   She, and her smarts, her books, her benevolence, her compassion, her totally different (and a lot better) view of the world, her spontaneity, her sweetness, her heart.

Why me?  Why would she like someone who is trying to hang on to dear life?  Who is on a brink of letting all loose.  

I bet she doesn't know.  Maybe it doesn't show.  But there.  She doesn't realize she's liking someone scarred.  Someone she doesn't need for now.  I wonder what she'll think if she learned my sad sad life story.  Would she still like me?  

I don't like her to like me.  I always tell her she deserves somebody better who would share all her wonderful plans who is happier and emotionally stable.  If I were her, I wouldn't be anywhere near me.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

If you guys only knew how much pain I am bearing, then maybe you will understand.  If you know that right now, I am just relying on people's assurance of love and loyalty, then maybe you'll understand why I need emotional security.  If you just know who broke my trust, then maybe you'll understand why I immediately dismiss anyone who can't promise me that.  If you only know how lonely my life is, then you'll appreciate me more and how far I've come in trying to move on and get on with my life.  

People think I have the ideal life, and I am an ideal person.  No.  I am scarred.  I am hurt.  And I don't want anyone dragged in this misery, and so I stay away at a comfortable distance, occasionally stretching my hand out to ask for some love from people who are generous enough to spare some.  

I am alone.  I am lonely.  I am losing the last strands of hope.

See right through me.