Now that I realize how serious this really is, I will let go. I fought for friendship, but now it seems that my concern, though valid, is way petty as compared to hers. When I learned that she has been staying home for several days, I was concerned and guilty. She said she was to blame for how bad things turned out, but I feel that I am partly to blame too. I should've been less emotional. I should've just let her go.
I am letting go, subtly. It will still be as painful, but I take solace in the thought that by doing so, she'll be better in time.
She said we're gonna talk things over. It's a good thing if it pushes through. I need to understand some things.
I still wonder why she likes me. She, and her smarts, her books, her benevolence, her compassion, her totally different (and a lot better) view of the world, her spontaneity, her sweetness, her heart.
Why me? Why would she like someone who is trying to hang on to dear life? Who is on a brink of letting all loose.
I bet she doesn't know. Maybe it doesn't show. But there. She doesn't realize she's liking someone scarred. Someone she doesn't need for now. I wonder what she'll think if she learned my sad sad life story. Would she still like me?
I don't like her to like me. I always tell her she deserves somebody better who would share all her wonderful plans who is happier and emotionally stable. If I were her, I wouldn't be anywhere near me.
If you guys only knew how much pain I am bearing, then maybe you will understand. If you know that right now, I am just relying on people's assurance of love and loyalty, then maybe you'll understand why I need emotional security. If you just know who broke my trust, then maybe you'll understand why I immediately dismiss anyone who can't promise me that. If you only know how lonely my life is, then you'll appreciate me more and how far I've come in trying to move on and get on with my life.
People think I have the ideal life, and I am an ideal person. No. I am scarred. I am hurt. And I don't want anyone dragged in this misery, and so I stay away at a comfortable distance, occasionally stretching my hand out to ask for some love from people who are generous enough to spare some.
I am alone. I am lonely. I am losing the last strands of hope.