Maybe I should start to forget you for good.

I miss you.  Last night I found myself staring at you subtly, looking for the traces of tears that fell down from those eyes for me.  It seems like a long time ago.  But you obviously have moved on.  Had you come nearer alone, you would've heard this heart beat your heart too.

Now I wonder what you think of me.  Am I still the "you're really an ok person" you want to be in a relationship with?  Or have I become just like the others whom you have easily forgotten?  I feel so stupid for being so transparent.  I could have just walk away.  But I insisted to stay.  You said last night that people cannot not have cracks.  You said that it is scary to be around people who haven't explored their dark side.  I knew you were referring to me.  I am not a fool not to realize that.  Is that who I am to you?  Or is that the person you made me in your mind so you can easily forget me?  You say that you forgot almost everything from last year, when I know cause you told me that you liked me because we were almost always together last year.  That statement meant that you forgot all about me.  You say you forget the sad and painful things.  Am I just all pain and sadness to you?  Why do I still think that something beautiful happened? 

Please write something about me in your blog again.  I'd like to know what you think.  You saw something in me before.  Do you still see it in me now?  Or have you been disillusioned?

If only.  But we both know it cannot happen in this lifetime.

Now, I'm really confused..and extremely sad.

I am hurting.  This isn't what I wanted.  It's funny how I use your exact words.

I look at my fone often, and I wish that I could get a phone call or a text from you.

As they all do.

The garbage or your heart?

That's where people go in your life.  And now I feel I am gonna be with all the dirt, and forgotten memories, and hated people.  I thought I did what was right.  Didn't you say you thought so too?  Then why do I feel abandoned?  Why do I feel I'm losing not only you but a lot more friends.

I miss you, terribly.  It must have not been apparent, but I fought for you.  I did.  

Ok.  I'm gonna admit it again.  I am jealous.  Everytime I'm with her and you give her a call to invite her to eat 'as usual', and I see how her face lights up and drop everything else to go, I feel something weird which I cannot exactly explain, but it is far from being pleasant.  It feels bad.  

I hope you still think of me sometimes.  I do not want you to forget me.  I am hurt when you say that sooner or later, you will.  I know that's what you need.  That's what you always do.  But please spare me.

I have a confession to make.  I read your blog.  I always do.  That's why I know you call me gravitas.  

I know that I should stay away, but why do I allow myself to look at you closer and slowly fall for your beautiful soul?  I could not fall in love with you.  I should not fall in love with you.  I told myself that I should not go there, but here I am looking at, if not for, you from where I am.

Few more weeks, and you say it should be over.  

Yes, it should be over.

Dear You,

I know this is uncalled for, when I feel that you are trying to move on, and in the process trying not to hear from or be with me except when it is really necessary.  I would just like to tell you that after all that we’ve been through, I’ve come to realize a lot of things – important, relevant ones.  And all I can really say is thank you. 

Thank you for making me feel how it is to be genuinely cared for.  Your little acts of service, your thoughtful visits, your time spent with me especially during my really sad moments will always remain somewhere in a special little place in my heart. Thank you for impressing in me the importance of being honest and truthful.  Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable by allowing me to be in your life when I know it was so logical to leave me out for your own protection, only to give this friendship a shot.  Thank you for letting me a little into your world.  Now I see you differently, in a much colorful light. 

I am happy that you are moving on.   You have a beautiful soul and I meant it when I said I hope you find somebody worthy.  You deserve someone who would be able to love you back as much as you would her. 

Please don’t forget me, or remember me in a way that would spark pain or regret because I still believe that this was something beautiful, no matter how painful it got at some point.  

Love,      

Me